Farewell Wonder Car

Last fall before I moved to St. Louis the above Mazda 626 GT (hereon denoted The Wonder Car) was given to me by Mr. Alex Sergay. Despite having 185,000 miles on it the engine had plenty of zip and the shifter still worked flawlessly. Plus, unlike my previous car, this one actually had power steering! (Little did I know that this would eventually become its downfall.) It also obviated me from actually having to look for a car in the smelly underbelly of Michigan. I eagerly took it and paid the $500 to have the axles replaced.

And true to its word, the Wonder Car ran beautifully. It got me to St. Louis and through many trips thereafter to Chicago. In March it experienced a slight hiccup. A resounding "thunck" sound greeted me every other time I made a right turn. The CV joints were rusted out. Another $500 repair but this time I thought: this will be it for a while. Sadly, the car had other plans for me. About a month ago I started hearing a hard grinding sound when turning from a stop. Power steering pump? A $75 replacement. I laughed at the heavens: is this the best you can do?!? It wasn't. Early this week I was told that the entire rack and pinion system had more holes than Swiss cheese. It's started leaking power steering fluid. Repair bill this time: $1200. Noooo! Power rack and pinion system: You raised my hopes and then dashed them quite expertly. Well played, good sir! Well played!

So with the $1200 bill facing me, I have come to a crossroads and having watched The Money Pit reruns too many times on TBS to be healthy for any person, I've decided to throw in the towel. At just a shade under 200,000 miles, I am retiring the Wonder Car. It's a shame. I had already pegged this car as the one to get me through grad school and, should the universe ever curse any human child with me, would lovingly give it to my offspring on their 16th birthday. I know, I know. If I were as staunch as this man I would willingly pay the $1200 and be thankful that the transmission wasn't in danger of falling out in the next 1000 miles. Or, if I wanted to piss off Al Gore and Ralph Nader I could simply carry power steering fluid with me for the rest of the car's tenure and keep topping it off. Instead, I've decided to do something that I thought I would never do ...

I think that I was interested in cars about twice in my life. The first, as I'm told, was when I was 3 years old and wanted to touch every car in Vietnam. (Fine, there are only 10 cars in Vietnam, but at least it's a start. Soon, we will take all of the world's cars to our Mountain Fortress atop Fansi Pan and rule over all!) The second was probably around 6th grade or so when I thought that having a porsche would be really cool. Thankfully, a decision to enter academic life and the realities of living in a bustling metropolis with no parking and prohibitive insurance rates have long disabused me of any interests in having a car that requires anything more than a fresh tank of gas (unleaded 87!) every two weeks.

But now, living in a city where you almost need to have a car to get anywhere, unheard of heat, and available parking have led me to a most unfortunate decision. I am going to buy a new car. Despite the depreciation. Despite my insurance bill possibly tripling. Despite the fact that I will no longer be able to drive around town with the impunity of someone who knows that anyone hitting his car is going to end up the loser. Despite actually being concerned about where I park. Despite actually having to remember to lock the doors. Stay tuned for next month when I talk about wonders of buying stock on margin. Sad. But after all of these years I'm determined to have a car that I don't have to take in for repairs every other week.

So what are the impressions of a person embarking on a quest for a new vehicle and has hardly cared about the words horsepower and torque since 12th grade physics? There are a lot of ugly bodies and asses out there. What happened? Even the BMW 3 series looks kind of old and ugly. In a perfect world where I'm flushed with cash I would just buy this and be quite pleased with myself. Once reality hits I'll start pricing some more compact cars. However, here are some observations after a couple days of car searching.

• I actually don't mind the new bodies on the Civics. From up front they look kind of weird. From the sides, they look nice. But what the hell is up with this?
  
  It looks like a one-eyed alien is staring back at me.
• Why isn't an AUX 1/8th jack and MP3-CD playback standard on all car stereo systems now? Have car manufacturers heard of this MP3 player revolution? And even on cars that have this: why do I need to upgrade one or two trim levels to have this as an option? The $100 Sony CD-player I bought for the Wonder Car has both of these options. What gives? More money for modders?
• Although I guess the above is in the tradition of overpriced accessories. $80 for a gold plated car logo? $100 for mats? Who pays for these things? I guess by going on this road of the damned I'll have to strip myself of any self-aggrandized sense of frugality left in my soul.
• Why on Earth would anybody put an automatic transmission on anything with 4-cylinders? Speaking of which, if this is true it's a most sad commentary. Why wouldn't you just teach your wife to drive instead of spending $400,000 on an automatic transmission? Oh, rich people: your blatant disregard for sanity both amuses and saddens me!
• If all goes as planned I'll be able to park on hills again!

Lastly, if anybody doesn't mind being an environmental terrorist and topping off power steering fluid let me know: I have the car for you!

Joe Mikulik and Todd Jones Have Gone Insane

The only thing more insane than this breakdown:

is Todd Jones's analysis.

Joe knew what it took to play in the big leagues, but he never got even one shot. He knows that you never surrender. In fact, he used to write never surrender on his wristbands. Joe knows you play till you can't play anymore. And he knows if you're right, you stand up for yourself. He did nothing wrong. He didn't fire a bat at an ump. He didn't spit in a ump's face. The only thing he did was get his uniform dirty and mess up the infield -- and show some fire and heart.

I predict Joe will be a coach in the majors one day because of this instance. I think this could turn out to be his big break. But the beautiful thing about Joe is that never entered his mind. He was just Joe being Joe.

As Nicole mentions, this is kind of like being pulled over by a cop, yelling at him, damaging his car, being dragged to jail and then having some stupid person write that you showed a lot of heart and that you'll be a very successful person some day.