Leo Laporte Where Are You?

I sadly caught a few minutes of the revamped Screen Savers last night dubbed Attack of the Show. What happened? They shoved a USB web server up some guy's ass. No, I am not making this up.

Blasphemy or A New Taste Sensation?

Those of you who know me may have heard me talk about the boiling moon. Those of you who don't will just have to wait until Chlamydia rolls off the shelves some time this spring/summer.

Well, one of the witnesses to the boiling moon is at it again — this time with his take on the classic black & tan that he calls a Mickican. What is a Mickican? Well, due to the thorough thrashing that Corona got via Guiness, Blog has decided to float Guiness on top of, well, Corona.

No, I am not making this up. Evidence here and here. Well, I've never been one to shirk down a challenge. I think a Mickican is on tap for me soon. (Hint: Don't go to my next party.)

Random Links

The Llama Song

Neurotically Yours

Will We Ever Win Again?

Doesn't loook good. Hmm, let's analyze ....

New York - Hmm ... will Telfair rise to the occasion against Marbury? Probably not.

Washington - They've been playing well and no one's had an answer for Arenas in the last two weeks. Loss.

Houston - Arguably the hottest team since the break. McGrady is finally scoring and operating well with Yao. They finally have some Jeff Van Gundy roll players. No chance for the Blazers.

At Seattle - Blazers lost tonight despite an injured Lewis. At Seattle you say? Loss.

Denver - Hmm ... one team is headed for the playoffs with a new coach. The other is headed for the lottery with an interim coach. Guess which witch is which!

At Utah - Now here's an interesting one. If it were in Portland I might give them a chance. It all comes down to who wants it less. I'm going to have to go with Utah on this one.

Golden State - I know nothing about Golden State except that they suck. Perhaps even more than the Blazers do. Blazers win this one by a hair!

Sacramento - Hmmm ... no Chris Webber but ... wait. Who am I kidding? No chance.

At New Orleans - I would have gone with the Blazers but I have the feeling that Dickau is going to torch us again for 30. I'm going with the Big Easy.

At San Antonio - DING!

Dallas - Nope. Try again.

At Golden State - Golden State's {insert Golden State player here} will get aberrantly hot. Blazers lose by a hair.

Utah - Jerry Sloan thinks that he's still running the Stockton and Malone offense but instead runs it with Carlos Boozer and himself. Before the referees can decide that Jerry Sloan can't play, the Blazers have lost yet again.

At Denver - George Karl suffocates and collapses during the first quarter. By the time he recovers his team is up by 30 and he can save the inevitable lectures and cussing at his team via the media for next season's implosion.

Los Angeles Lakers - Oh, I'd love to see Kobe lose and choke it at the Garden for once. They'll be out of the playoff picture by then but still ... I don't see it happening.

Well, my final analysis puts the Blazers at 1-14 the rest of the way for a final record of 24-58. Should be good for a 4 or 5 lottery pick. Too bad there's no LeBron James this year. Oh, well. Maybe we can choose Sam Bowie instead. (DING!)

In case you're wondering about the DING! — it's from this gem as heard on Cheap Seats.

It Ain't Over Yet

Sorry, FLOG™ — it ain't over yet.

Editor's Note: The preceding post was used only as a device to

(1) reopen a two year old debate that resulted in innumerable posts and

(2) see if FLOG™ is still alive. Are you? Because if not I can resell your web space for MILLIONS!!!!! Ha, ha, ha! Okay, fine, for hundreds!!! Ha, ha, ha, ha!!!!!! Okay fine, for some balls & bats (thanks, Nicole!).

Worst Show Name Ever

Yes, it's true. They're changing the name of the The Screen Savers to Attack of the Show. WTF? WTF?!? WTF????!!!!???????

In other unrelated news, this game is pure crack. I blame it on the pretty water graphics and the fact that you can play the game with one hand.

WHAAAAAT?!!!!?

In the WHAAAAAT?!!!!? department today we have this. WTF?!? Did I totally miss this?!? Say it with me: The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. Now say it ten times fast while stabbing yourself in the eye. Maybe to ease his bruised ego, C. Petegomery Angelos can rename his team the United States of America Orioles of Baltimore.

In other baseball WHAAAAAT?!!!!? news we have the poor Cubs. Jimmy is right. We may never know if God is a man, a woman, or a satyr. But he/she/it is definitely not a Cubs fan. Can't they catch a break? And why does it have to be Prior/Wood all the time? Can't Remlinger and Hawkins suddenly have a case of dyspeptic diarrhea or something? Can't the bat boy stub his toe? Maybe Dusty Baker could develop purple warts on his feet. The Cubs should check with the WTA tour: everybody on that tour seems to have a stomach virus. Maybe do a swap or something? Or maybe they could trade both Prior and Wood to the Miami Heat for Alonzo Morning.

Finally, we have our proud Washington politicians standing up against steroid abuse in baseball. Sorry kids, you're a little late to the game. Now, I am not a steroids supporter and had to hit my head on the wall several times after reading an SI story where anonymous players decried that their colleagues go into games juiced on anything from prune juice to speed to amphetamines. And, yes, I do wonder if 'roids had something to do with the homerun surge of the late 90s. But, all of this aside, doesn't this entire thing seem a bit McCarthian to anybody? Summoning past and future players to a hearing that is going to do what? (And why is Barry Bonds not on the list?) Maybe someone with a law degree can tell me what will come from this hearing.

Yes, baseball only has itself to blame for not getting on the ball sooner ... but it just seems to me at this point that all we have are cryptic charges and grand jury testimony that cannot be used because it was illegally leaked. Even the latest Mark McGwire story is a bit specious. The headlines say that an FBI agent says McGwire did steroids. Then you read the story and it says that his name was mentioned but that he was not the target of the probe nor was evidence collected against him. And then, update! — they change the story. Previously, Wenzlaff was quoted to have said that he gave and injected steroids into McGwire's posterior. Now the story is that he (Wenzlaff) has declined to comment about McGwire but says that he gave steroids to Canseco. Hello! I don't have all day to keep clicking on the story to see what happened. Let's get our facts straight and print one story, okay? Fine, I admit it, I am but a simple man and I do not possess an engineering degree ... but I'm confused.

Here's where I stand on the issue — and keep in mind that my stance could change in five minutes.

• Baseball players did steroids in the past. They continue to do so in the present. They will continue to do so in the future unless a stricter policy is put in place that penalizes first-time offenders and tests blood samples.
• Unless such a policy is put in place immediately, baseball's future is in jeopardy because we will continue to have players accusing each other publicly (a la Canseco) and un-publicly (a la SI or other news agency) for the next umpteen years. We will never really know which statistics are valid. Instead of discussing this great game of baseball we will be discussing 'roids for the next century. Instead of telling our kids that the probability of a 56 game hitting streak is so small that, statistically speaking, if it is to happen at all — baseball's rosters would have to include four lifetime .400 batters or fifty-two lifetime .350 hitters over careers of one thousand games¹ (that is, it is almost statistically impossble), we'll be talking about what type of cream ol' Bashy McBashalot used to clear the 80 home run mark. Instead of talking about the great Jackie Robinson, we'll be talking about how Old Man Bonds is still hitting pulling .300/30/100 even though he's 50 years old.
• Sadly, because of a lack of a policy, we have no irrefutable evidence that anyone took 'roids in the past. Yes, I know. Grand jury. Inflated stars looking deflated, etc, etc, etc. But we have no irrefutable proof. All we have are this person's words against this person's words. Hell, Canseco mentioned Brett Boone in his book. Who's next? Greg Maddux? Miguel Cairo? I fully expect that within the next few weeks Rafeal Belliard will have to defend his 2 career home runs.
• At least in the short run, this is not preventing fans from buying tickets.
• I'm going to go into the corner and cry now.

Another Walton Nugget

I've written before of the poetic waxing that Bill Walton does for television. But did you know he has his own column for ESPN?

Here's a new Walton nugget for you:

The driver in the NBA is the head coach. The mad scramble for Phil Jackson has already reached a level where the physicists might have to come up with a new definition of hyperkinetic explosiveness. Jackson will ride this wave all the way to the bank.

Best Christmas Song Ever

Damn, I wish it were December instead of March now because this would be playing constantly. Hell, it'll probably be playing constantly nevertheless.

Thanks to Devon for pointing it out to me. I remember watching the episode before but for some reason the song escapes me. Oh, well. Better late than never!

No Mo Cheeks

The end is finally over for poor Mo. Let's hope that he takes that long overdue sabbatical.

Granted I haven't watched an entire Blazers game since that infamous Game 7 so really don't know too much about Mo's coaching, you gotta feel badly for the guy. Whiny forwards, weird front office folks, etc. Though, playing devil's advocate, a better coach might have been able to reign in everyone. Then again, we are talking about the biggest pack of lunkheads out there.

So any speculation who they're going to go get? Something tells me that Kevin Pritchard isn't going to be permanent. Saunders seems like the ideal choice if they can pry him from Minnesota's front office but I'd like to see Phil Jackson. Yeah, I know. It'll never happen. But a man can dream, can't he?

Update: As I'm listening to the Cheeks press conference I have to say that it's sad to see such a classy guy leave the organization. It's the right move for both him and the Blazers but to leave us stuck with asses like Miles and Randolph — I have to say that I'd rather be him than the Blazers. I hope that he gets a chance in the future to coach a real team.

Clowns for Jesus

Courtesy of Laura — who is insane.

Updated: Landover Baptist.

Updated again: The Lego Bible.

The moral of this story? Never stay up late with Nicole and Laura looking up web pages.