Time is Mine Once Again
Knights of the Old Republic II was released for PC last week and its been eating my time ever since. So I did what every sensible person with tons of work would do. I used my day off for an all-day marathon to beat it and have its time sucking powers forever off my back ... at least until the new Elder Scrolls game comes out.
How did this one fare against KOTR I, my favorite RPG since Planescape Torment and Ultima? Honestly, not too badly. We're getting tired of the "I don't know who the fuck my character is" KOTR spin — but this one did it about as good as the first one. (Attention Lucas Arts and the makers of KOTR III: you are not allowed to do this for KOTR III. Get a new angle.)
In this one, you're guided by a mysterious old lady named Kreia who (surprise!) knows more about you and your universe than you do. Although no Jolee, she does make more than enough pointed comments to keep the action going. She's probably the only NPC of all time to wonder why so many people give up their lives to join you on your quest. The other NPCs range from a Carth clone who is equally as annoying and not one, not two, but three hotties that decide to follow you around. Choose from arctic hottie, blind hottie, or rogue hottie. The best part about NPC interaction in this game is that you can influence your NPCs by what you do. Hence, the banal arctic hottie becomes quite hilarious should you try to tempt her toward the dark side.
Unfortunately, the designers decided to put in a bunch of annoying little things. Most of the bugs from KOTR I are still there. Sometimes, running around a rock can be harder than fighting off dark jedi. There's one especially annoying part in the middle of the game where you lose control of your main character. Yes, I realize that putting you in the shoes of your NPCs is the standard way to move storylines but this example is ridiculous. You're given control of a character that you've never played before. She's a rogue so has no strength. And you're forced to use her to fight off a bellicose wookie which basically involves running around the room, shooting at him, and running around some more ... for about 20 minutes. If that weren't enough to drive the pontiff nuts, you're then to sneak around the compound to free your main character. This either involves fighting your way through (instant death) or using the stealth generator, which is almost as bad because it's death by boredom. Your character moves at a snail's pace when cloaked. Argh. Well, at leat they got rid of the required turret battles after going to any planet.
For some reason this game seems to move at a much quicker clip than KOTR I and there's not a whole lot of time to catch your breath and just upgrade your weapons. And this is a shame, because they've really vamped up the weapons upgrade system. But it always seems like it's carting you off to one place or another. Conveniently, the story ends off at an unresolved place for your main character (thankfully, they do let you know what happens to all of your hapless followers) perfectly setting up KOTR III, if they plan to do that.
Final Verdict: B+/A-. Would have gotten a solid A- if it weren't for all of the annoying stuff that should have been fixed after KOTR I. Still, it's a nice way to pass by 30 hours of your life. KOTR I fans and RPG fans should definitely check it out.
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True Love 95
WARNING: The following "game review" (if it can even be called that) may not be suitable for some age groups, small animals, fanatical groups, and/or a combination thereof. Phooeyhoo.com is not responsible for any acts of eye gouging that may result from reading this review or playing the included game. You have been warned!
Back a while ago, we posted a review of a game called Princess Maker 2. The review met with a combination of weird blank scares and screams of anger about "protecting our children." Anyway, many of you know that I am fascinated by Japanese culture and games. While looking for the latest build of RPGMaker, I wandered upon the website of Enterbrain, Inc., the developers behind RPGMaker. Perusing their product catalog revealed weird periodicals, fiction based on the Final Fantasy Universe and an enigmatic gamed called True Love Story Summer Days, and yet.... No, I'm not making this up. Go and see for yourself.
A little bit more research on the Internet revealed to me that an entire genre of games called "Dating Sims" existed in Japan. In fact, this (like Princess Maker) was a fledgling series in Japan and has pumped out innumerable sequels. This was the latest PS2 installment of the series. But, sigh, all of these games were in Japanese. The developers must have realized patently that such games would have zero selling power in the States. I began to rue my decision not to learn Japanese while in high school. My friend Bill had expounded the virtues of Japanese but I had already been seduced by Mille Bornes.
Then, during one inauspicious day, I began browsing The Home of the Underdogs looking for something to keep me occupied. This is where I had originally found Princess Maker 2. Having little hope, I wondered if lightening would strike twice. I typed "True Love" into the search field and ... voila! There it was. Ready to be downloaded. I called my best friend and fellow gamer Dave. It was on. Little did I know what lay waiting for me ...
Phooeyhoo.com presents
A review of True Love 95
Skip is ready to kick some ass.
In most RPGs, you have the option of selecting from classes such as Bard, Fighter, or Mage. In this game it's Normal, Intellectual, Sports Man, or Playboy. Before I can even ask Dave which class he's chosen he shouts out, "Plaaaaaaaaaaayboy!" Our course is set.
The story is set. Since I don't want to post more screen shots than are necessary, I'll just type out the intro for you lucky readers. The rainy season has ended and the busy time had passed. It is now July and I will not forget the warm bright sun that passed by in those 6 months. Those memories still live in me. They are bright like rays of sun coming though [sic] the leaves, melancholy like the rain and heart warming like a dream. I have decided to put those memories down on paper. My name is Skip. I am an ordinary college student in this town. I have left my home and am now living on my own in a flat. My student days are almost over ... in order to enjoy the remaining days I get up earlier than I use [sic] to and walk the street to college, the street that I so often ran because I would be late for college. Please choose a [sic — okay, so I'm sick of this! (Nice!) The rest of this section will be verbatim so the mistakes are in the hilarious translation, not me] option.
Preliminary Information
Before we continue with the review, here are some preliminaries to ground you in the world of True Love 95 as eruditely expounded by the help file.
Game Story
The games time scale is from July to September.
It is summer. your character is a senior college student. You will have many encounters with women including a childhood friend called Mikae Morikawa...The various settings (college, town, beach, etc) will be where you may meet other characters and may develop relationships with them. This game is a relationship simulation. The aim of the game is to find a compatible partner and propose to her, but that does not mean they will be your friend or lover easily.
You must get fit, study, be artistic, etc ... If you develop yourself, the girls will come to accept you.
By setting the main characters daily functions, the character will go through the day automatically. (This is the simulation side of the game.) Many things will happen and depending on the characters reaction, the story line will change. (You may get other choices too, select carefully or things will happen.)
And depending on that days actions, the characters performance levels are determined, leading to the change and development of the character.
The story line will change according to the characters development and the girls attitude will also change according to the character. To have a happy ending, depends on you. We hope you enjoy an exciting student life.
We wish you all the luck...
Character Introduction
 Mikae Morikawa. Female. 18 years old. Childhood friend since kindergarten, classmate. Meiai college 3rd year student. Bit of a cry baby. |
 Remi Himekawa. Female. 18 years old. Classmate. Meiai college 3rd year student. Studious and is the top of the class in grades. |
 Mikyuki Tanaka. Female. 18 years old. Classmate, same group as Mikae. Meiai college 3rd year student. Studies liberal arts [is not too healthy]. |
 Mayumi Kamijo. Female. 18 years old. Classmate, student of Mikisaki's class. Meiai college 3rd year student. Loves to have fun, is often found hanging around the love hotel district. |
 Chiemi Fujimoto. Female. 18 years old. Classmate, found you peeking into the changing room. Meiai college 3rd year student. Captain of girls swimming club [Butch] but doesn't like insects. |
 Misako Sayama. Female. 24 years old. Cute woman who is found in town. Occupation and "other" information is a secret. |
 Ryoko Shimazaki. Female. 18 years old. Classmate, entered your class from the second term. Meiai college 3rd year student. Unknown, a girl with many mysteries. |
 Arisa Miyoshi. Female. 18 years old. Cute girl who looks much younger than she is. Girls college 2nd year student. Kazuhiko's younger sister. |
 Yumi Matsumiya. Female. 25 years old. Classmate, found you peeking into the changing room. Meiai college Biology tutor. Rumor is she is engaged to Mikisaki. |
 Kazuhiko. Male. 18 years old. Best friend, childhood friends [same as Mikae]. Meiai college 3rd year student. Likes computers and programs games, is also Arisa's brother. |
 Kameo. Male. 18 years old. Childhood friend. Meiai college 3rd year student. Childhood friend of Remi and is secretly in love with her. |
 Toshio. Male. 18 years old. Player thinks that he is a bit of a wanker, but he thinks player is his rival. Meiai college 3rd year student. [His goal is to pick up 100 girls before graduating]. |
 Mikisaki. Male. 28 years old. Teacher at the same college. Meiai college English tutor. Rumor that he is engaged to Miss Yumi. |
The Gameplay
Your efficacy in AD&D games includes high numeric scores in such attributes as strength, dexterity, intelligence, etc. Even Princess Maker 2 relied on such statistics as well as new attributes that included sensitivity, popularity, reputation, propriety, etc. Those statistics mean squat in the world of True Love 95. Oh, no. In order to turn yourself from loser bachelor to King of the Campus, you'll have to navigate the statistics of passion, appearance, fatigue, scholarship, physical strength, and art. Obviously, high points in the appropriate category will net you that type of girl. If only real life were this simple. Fatigue is the only golf statistic in the game and you'll be surprised to learn later on of the ways that this can be reduced.
You play the game much like Princess Maker 2 except that you'll have to micro-manage your day much as you micro-managed your daughter's month in PM2. The hilarity of the game is in the translation. Let's see what happens when we click on Today's Action!
Unfortunately, there's no playing hooky in this game. Daytime must be spent at college. However, the evening and night is up to you. Conveniently, many of our choices are isomorphic to our statistics. Basically, the goal of the game is to boost the stats most important to you. Once your stats are high enough, the appropriate girl will be attracted to you via random and not-so-random events that happen throughout the summer. The difficult part is predicting when these events will happen. So you might miss out hitting on the athletic girl if you aren't in appropriate physical shape by a certain date, after which she'll lose interest. Obviously, the most hilarious "action" is FASHION! Oh, and don't forget PROMISE. If you promise to do something, you'd better do it. Not doing it would be, "like going to a job interview and doing that fake handshake where you put your hand out and then pull it back to smooth your hair after the other person reaches out to shake it" (Chick, 2001, ¶44). In other words, the girls will be PIIIIIIIIIIIISED!
First Day of School
Oh, JEEEEEEEEEZUS! This is how most of your encounters in TL95 will happen. You're walking down an empty street and then BAM! Somebody comes right into your face and greets you. Sadly, this begins to get worse later in the game when you confirm that the Japanese are indeed quirky folks. But for now, most of your interactions are innocuous. Your friends/potential lovers/rivals will simply greet you, threaten you, lecture you on your appearance, or offer to trade money for a chance to peak into the girls' locker room. Just simple and innocuous stuff like that.
The Best Friend
Every good teen movie or game needs a good buddy. TL95 is no exception. However, instead of Ducky, your best friend is Kazuhiko — who dresses like a used car salesman and has one of the strangest body types I've ever seen. And, should you choose to continue playing the game for more than five minutes, later on you find out that he may be batting for the other team.
Thankfully, in this scenario he just wants to know if you'd like a peek at the captain of the girls' swim club — all for just loaning him 3000 yen. Sounds like a good friend to me!
The Rival
Playing the roll of the rival in TL95 is Toshio. He's like a bigger and meaner version of Kazuhiko. He pops in at weird moments eliciting the scream of, "Oh, JEEEEEEEEEZUS! It's Toshio!" from Dave about every five minutes or so. Hilarious!
Note the little avatar for your character who's studying. Hilarious!
Dave: "Oh, JEEEEEEEZUS! It's Mikae!!! And she's PIIIIIIIIISED!!!!" I heard this phrase A LOT. And rightfully so. Characters in the game will randomly pop out of no where to acost you about your hygiene habits or just to make sure you aren't doing anything suspicious. Other times they'll just roll on in and roll on out.
Shopping After Work
After a little embarrassment and some work, we're off shopping. Here are just some of the items available in TL95.
The energy drink lowers your fatigue, the study book raises your scholarship, the art book raises your art, and the adult magazine REALLY lowers your fatigue AND raises your passion.
Other Highlights
Instead of bogging down the rest of this review with a day-by-day account of Skip's actions, we'll just concentrate on the good stuff. And by the good stuff, I mean the weird stuff that inevitably led to Dave and me wondering why we had spent a good portion of our days playing a dating sim.
The God of Pleasure
Just like in real life, if you do absolutely nothing for a week, the God of Pleasure rolls on by and bumps up all your stats! Nice! Note the before and after stats ...
What have we learned from the God of Pleasure? Never try!
Oh, JEEEEEEEEEEEEZUS! It's Mayumi! And she's piiiiiiiiiised!
A troubling thing happened on the way to true love. So Skip's been getting up his passion and has convinced a girl to go out with him. How did he meet this girl? Why, he bumped into her and got called a pervert. Duh!
But again, in TL95, such a disaster does not obviate a date. I'd describe the rest to you, but I just can't do justice to the wonderful prose of TL95. Let's look in on Skip and Mayumi's date, shall we?
And there you have it, folks. Pick up a copy for the little ones today!
Follow-up to the date
So after that awkward moment, Skip decides to pursue Mayumi some more. Similar to other RPGs, her subplot goes like this. She's a poor girl so needs to get money. And like any other hard working girl, this means selling her used undergarments to the local used undergarments store. But there's a problem because the school administrator is in love with her and when Skip convinces her not to sell her undergarments anymore, the administrator ties her up in a classroom.
Thankfully, Skip came to the rescue and saves her! Yep, just simple run of the mill and innocuous RPG subplots in this game
Riiiiiiiight. Not surprisingly, I learned from my Japanese friend that there are quite a few of these titles out there and that the True Love series is one of the more innocuous of the titles.
According to an FAQ of the game, here are some more things that can happen in this game.
- Turn a cat into a girl and and ask the cat — er girl out.
- Get hit on by your best friend.
- Sleep with your best friend's sister.
- Rescue the school nerd from a trunk of a car.
- Rescue a pop star from her controlling brother and drink wholesome hot cocoa with her!
- Sleep with your grandmotherly teacher. No, I am not making this up. I wish I were. But I'm not.
Final Verdict: 4 naked Hentai chicks out of 4 naked Hentai chicks.
References
Chick, T. (2001, April 13). Chasing Amy. Retrieved January 31, 2005, from Shoot Club Archives: http://www.quartertothree.com/columns/shoot_club/shoot_club_8.shtml
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