Waltonisms

FLOG™'s latest post about the Indiana-Detroit dawg-fight had me thinking not about the fight, the possible fines, the delicate equilibrium between fan and player that had been breached — oh, no. My thought was — where the hell was Bill Walton during last year's playoffs?

I'm sure many of you know that Bill Walton is the giant red-headed oaf who calls basketball games for ESPN and ABC. And I'm sure many of you hate him. I am not of that camp. He is perhaps the most hilarious commentator in the history of all sports. Couple him with Steve "Snapper" Jones and they make a Raptors-Clippers game worth watching. He has this ineffable ability to make the most inappropriate yet hilarious comments at certain parts of a game. For example, some guys could have just made an incredible play. Most commentators would laud that player for the next couple of plays up the court. But not Bill. He will use that very moment to cavil about some guy not covering his man, comment on the coach's intensity, or heap praise on his mentor and ex-lover John Wooden. Or it could be the complete opposite. Some guy could have just made the most routine steal or block and suddenly ol' Bill will say that it's the best event that's happened in the history of Western Civilization. It's just that his comments and timing are always perfect.

Anyway, it seems like his Waltonisms were stinging too closely with the coaches and players because it turns out that last year he was demoted to ESPN's third string commentary team. He's back this year after ostensibly learning his lesson. He has vowed that the humility he gained from the experience will help him along this year. But, sadly, something tells me that this just means that we'll miss out on his biting commentary — "Why do we even have a rulebook?" — rather sad. So to help palliate my distress, I present to you my all-time favorite Bill Walton quotes courtesy of my disorganized memory and some quotation Internet sites. And unless you've heard these phrases uttered from the red-headed one himself, you may be wondering to yourself — that's not funny at all! But trust me, you have to hear it from his mouth. It's kinda like those Vietnamese phrases I've been convincing you are funny. They are.

• "Why even have a rulebook?"


• "That's a terrible/horrible call!"


• "That's not a foul!"


• "Blank makes perhaps the greatest defensive play in Blank's Team's history!"


• "However, the real story line that awaits us tonight in Los Angeles is whether or not Kobe Bryant will actually throw a pass!"


• "John Stockton is one of the true marvels, not just of basketball, or in America, but in the history of Western Civilization!"


• Yao Ming is the best thing to happen to the NBA in a long time. He is just a beautiful person inside and out ... the vision, the creativity, the gentleness of spirit — he has it all!"


• "It's like they're not even trying to win the game!"


• "What a play by Player x! All the great players have what this guy has ... Michael, Magic, Bird, Shaq, Kareem, Dr. J, ... n, ( n + 1 ), ..."


• Allen Iverson ... the intensity, the speed, the explosiveness, the utter disregard for physical health and well being — that's why he's the MVP!"


• "But remember, never mistake activity for achievement!"


• "The crowd is surging toward the court!"


• "The crucial game five brings to mind two great movies. The first is Gladiator, in which Maximus attempts to rally his troops to come together. They learn that the only way to win is to fight as one. The other is Traffic, in which we learn that the greatest battle of all is that which is fought within one's own mind!"

I Hate Computers

Argh. Why the fuck did I decide tonight would be a good night to update the firmware on my DVD drive? What do I get for my troubles? Windows has decided to go fucking bonkers on me. Control Panel doesn't launch and I can't open anything useful. Guess who gets to spend the rest of the night reformatting?

Firefox 1.0

I know it's been out for a while, but for those of you who don't know — Firefox 1.0 is out. Go grab it.

Grammar Lesson

Courtesy of Penny Arcade.

Get This Man a Sandwich

Oh my fucking God. Ebert did go on a diet. However, it's left something faye in its wake. See a video of the new Ebert here. Note the lip twitch.

NASA World Wind

Nasa has a great piece of software called World Wind. Beware! You'll need a fast Internet connection to use it. Modem users need not apply. The download for the program is 250 MB alone and the program needs tons of bandwidth as it will connect to NASA's servers to get detailed map information information while the program runs. Is it worth it? Hell, yes!

The software is a 3D map of the world that you can zoom into. How far? Well, with most parts of the United States, you get very accurate aerial maps. Here are some examples:

My old Wrigleyville Digs

May parents' new digs in suburbia. Can't you tell? (Queue the Pet Shop Boys)

Where I went to high school

Why the Red Sox Won the World Series

From Get Fuzzy.

Ashlee on SNL

This clip of Ashlee Simpson on SNL is both fucking hilarious and yet a rather sad commentary at the same time.

Oh, Lucia Popp of the High F, where art thou? Anna Moffo, we're sorry that we ridiculed you for your outrageous Lucia di Lammermoor. Please come back from the dead and save us from these no-talent bitches. Hell, I'll even welcome back Kathleen Battle at this point.

The Curse of Stoney

It's over. The Cubs will not win the world series for another 100 years. Ladies and gentleman, I bring you the Curse of Stoney.

Dear Cubs fans:

Since I put on a Cubs uniform in 1974, I've seen lots of Cubs history. There has been heartache and joy, agony and ecstasy, not to mention 21 managers and 10 general managers.

Through all of these years and more than a few broadcast partners, I have always felt a strong connection to the greatest, most loyal fans in baseball, Cubs fans.

My love for the city of Chicago and the people who came to beautiful Wrigley Field has been a constant. Over three million of you Cubs fans came to the ball park in 2004 and the TV ratings showed you watched the Cubs broadcasts in staggering numbers.

Unfortunately, the 2004 season did not end as we had hoped. It was devastating for all of us who invested our hearts, our time and in many cases our lives, in the hopes and dreams of the Cubs winning a world championship.

I am sure you have read many things about this past season and my involvement in one or two controversies. However, you have never heard my story or my perspective of the events that have brought us to this point in time.

As has always been my personal policy, it is not my intention to divulge the content of private conversations I've had with others. Likewise, I do not want to be forced into sharing my side of the story.

I came to Chicago on the high road with my credibility and integrity. Thirty years later, I choose to leave the same way.

The phrase I used that angered certain people was "I regret nothing." Well folks, I was wrong about that and want to set the record straight. I regret I won't be calling another Cubs game on WGN-TV for the greatest fans in baseball…the fans of the Chicago Cubs.

It's been a great ride. I will never forget you. Most importantly, I thank you all for every minute of happiness, you, the fans have given me.

Best regards,

Steve Stone

Don't listen to anything the Cubs have to say on this. He was forced out by Dusty Baker and his goony players. I always used to think that Baker was an innocuous moron who sprinkled magic pixie dust on the field. But now I'm convinced he's an idiot. He may be a player's manager but he has no idea how to manage around controversy.

Stoney is one of the most respected analysts in the game. If anything, Baker and his boys should have thanked the guy for pointing out their flaws in a time when the season was still salvageable. Instead, their egos took the criticism to heart and instead of proving Stoney wrong by playing as a team, they decided to rant like little children and snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.

Stoney, good luck out there. We'll miss you.

Damn You Liberal Media!

Damn you for getting my hopes up. I should have listened to Blog. I had already accepted another Bush presidency during the summer. In fact, I was pretty happy with it. Bush isn't all that bad. It's not like I was back in the old country where I had to ask permission to walk a block. But then you somehow convinced me that Frankenstein's son could somehow win. Instead, you just set me up for this giant clusterfuck. Who needs booze?

Ye Olde New York Times ...

would lead me to believe that Kerry is in the driver's seat based on a look at this graph of the current swing states. They have Michigan and Minnesota leaning toward Kerry. Should we look too much into this? What about all those MSNBC/FOX polls that have Bush ahead in those states? What about the McLaughlin Group's analysis that all the polls are wrong because of all the new "Eminem" voters. What about the "cell phone" vote. A better question: Why am I analyzing this when I should be analyzing empirical studies of Systems Thinking software? Perhaps an even better question: when did this web log go away from caviling about technology and cooking? Yet another question: New Jersey has more electoral votes than Oregon?