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Classic Gaming Redux: Oregon Trail

Inspired by the Princess Maker 2 review, I've decided to do a series on classic gaming. Today's entry: Oregon Trail.

I don't remember much about Hayhurst Elementary School. What I do remember is when you finished your work, you got to go to a green Apple IIE and play The Oregon Trail. Although beating the game might have been a goal in the early days, in latter days it was all about dying and engraving your name and a message in the gravestone, usually with appropriate obscenities.

Well, I lost my copy of the original Oregon Trail, but I do have Oregon Trail Deluxe which I shall review for you today.

The title screen for Oregon Trail Deluxe is remarkably more vivid and colorific than the original. I do miss the nostalgia of the green, however.

Starting the Game
This was always my favorite part of the game. Who to bring with you in your party? Usually, you had to put in the people who were playing the game with you but there were always a few wildcards that you fought over. Now that I'm in command of the ship, I can choose whomever I want! Ha, ha, ha! I'm mad with power!

It looks like there are a lot more occupations than I remembered. Of course, I have to choose the poorest one with no skills whatsoever. However, the addition of Jesus to the party should help. There was a character limit to adding party members so Lord British, Pat Buchanan, and Helen Keller had to be truncated. Why this triumvirate of power? Well, Lord British is a no brainer. Pat because he's hilarious on The McLaughlin Group. (I'm starting to agree more and more with what he says on the show. Am I turning into a conservative?) And finally Helen because, well, come on. She's Helen Keller. BTB, why can't Helen Keller drive? Because she's a woman! Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight! Moving right along ...

The buying menu has gotten a make over in the Deluxe edition. I finally remember why being a teacher sucks. Only $400 to get to Oregon. Obviously, bullets are the most important part of the journey. 5 oxen, a set of clothing for each person and one spare part each. That's okay, right?

Considering the party we're dealing with, we're going to need an early start, if we're going to make it at all. I elect to start us off in March.

The Gameplay

Whoa! Somebody get a monk! The main screen in Deluxe is vastly different from the original. Remember the old green oxen screen and the text? After setting our pace to grueling and rations to meager, we're ready to go! (Stragglers and malingers need not apply to Phooeyhoo's team of Westward Warriors.) We start the trail and not much happens until — shun tun tun! The dreaded question!

Yes, the dreaded question that haunts all Oregon bound travelers. Do you ford, caulk, or take a ferry? Never mind the fact that I didn't know what caulk meant when I was in second grade. But now, years later, with our more intelligent and erudite natures, let's go through the logic of this problem. Obviously, only pussies take the ferry. And there ain't no chary pussy in my band of merry men. So that's obviously out. Now then, to ford or to caulk. That is the question. According to the instructions, fording means to pull my wagon across shallow water with the oxen intact. Caulking means to seal with tar and try to float across. The river is 10 feet deep. 10 feet ain't that much. So the reasonable choice would be to ford. But we're living dangerously here so we're going to caulk this motherfucker across!

Success! Take that logic! We're off again!

Health is down to fair. But hey, nobody was in good health back in those days anyway.

Caulking across the blue river caused more problems but, sadly, no one was hurt. We travel onwards.

Our health goes from fair to poor past Fort Kearney. These fools need more food to eat. It's hunting time!

From this screen shot, it is patent that hunting in the Deluxe version is much easier than in the classic version. Who ever heard of 3 buffalo and 2 deer on the same screen? And all you have to do is point the mouse cursor and shoot. No having to maneuver a tiny little guy around the screen with the keyboard? Lame!

Things are okay as we approach Chimney Rock until Helen Keller becomes sick with typhoid fever.

But she'll have to tough it out with the rest of us. We have places to go. I'm determined to get us to Oregon by June with the record pace we're setting.

And just as Helen gets better, she gets sick again. That's what we get for bringing her along. At least we found some spare bullets.

Oh, Jesus! Jesus has the measles!

Well, duh! We're taking the shortcut. Got to be in Oregon before the Rose Vegetable Festival.

Disaster! I hate fires.

We're at Fort Hall and nothing eventful has happened. No dead members, no exigencies, nothing. Come on! Somebody die on me! Do I need to run out of food or something? It is at this point that I must make the following editorial comment: the deluxe edition is way too easy. The regular edition was merciless. This edition is as clement as a fuzzy Ally McBeal judge.

Despite making it past the Snake River with us, Jesus has died of typhoid fever. But we're not allowed to give him a gravestone. Or is that when the entire party dies? Damn.

The purple mountains already. And still no exciting drama. It's enough to turn a loud, drunk, choleric group of western warriors into a bunch of phlegmatic Zen Masters.

Ah, and just like that we're at the Dalles.

Obviously, we're taking the river. No one takes the toll road. Wasn't that enough to get you beat up on the playground back in the day?

Rafting down the river has much changed. As I recall, the classic edition didn't have this "3D" panoramic view. And before, your vehicle was the wagon of un-maneuverability +5. The Scooty Puff Junior, if you will. This time, you have the Ferrari or Scooty Puff Senior model. You can slide and sidle like a mad man. It's actually kind of fun, if a bit unrealistic and way too easy!

Hooray for Zoidberg!

Final Analysis
The Deluxe version of Oregon Trail is an enjoyable time. Sadly, it is only an enjoyable 10 - 15 minutes. As I've belabored often in this review, this version is way too easy. With mostly meager rations and a grueling pace, I managed to make it to Oregon in record time with only one casualty. I never remember it being this easy. Okay, you say. I'm 24 instead of 10 and that might have something to do with it. But I submit to you that the Phooeyhoo at 10 was much smarter and cooler than the Phooeyhoo now. The Phooeyhoo at 10 could throw a beautiful frisbee backhand. The Phooeyhoo of now is ashamed to admit that he can't.

Final Grade: B+

Despite being too easy, the game is well done and could actually be fun if you were trying to avoid doing 15 minutes of work at work or school. So what are you waiting for? Download it!