Download Princess Maker 2!

If that previous post made you crap in your pants — then you need to download Princess Maker 2. For only by playing this game will you understand what I'm trying to say.

Download Princess Maker 2!

Now, unzip the contents of the file to a directory (say C:\PM2) and run PM2.EXE. However, under Windows XP you will get no sound and the game will run very slowly. That's no good at all. So while you're at it, download this DOS emulator. This will emulate all DOS functions and sound on a Windows 2000/XP machine. Install the program and run it. You'll get a DOS screen. Assuming that you unzipped Princess Maker 2 to the directory C:\PM2 then you'll need to type in these commands.

mount c c:\
This will mount your C drive to the DOS emulators c drive.

c:
This changes the directory to the emulated C drive.

CD PM2
This changes the directory to PM2.

DOSINST
This runs the setup program so you can setup sound. When you go into the setup program, choose Change setup options and then change sound drive to Sound Blaster. The change will be reflected in the box on the left hand side of the screen. Now choose quit. This will dump you back to DOS. Now type in:

PM2
This runs the game. Press Function+F12 to speed it up if the initial settings on the DOS emulator are too slow.

If you have problems, and I'll set you straight.

Oh, one final note. To run DOSBox full screen, change the setting in the dosbox.conf file so that fullscreen=true.

Okay, last note. I promise. But just so that you all take the burden of fatherhood seriously, this is what might happen if you don't. You have been warned!

Princess Maker 2

It's been a week since Phooeyhoo last posted. For a while, it looked like the posting wouldn't end. The week beginning March 15th saw an insane five out of six days of posting. But then silence. What happened? This. The first comprehensive review of Princess Maker 2. As Blog has often said in the past: "Be afraid!"

The Japanese are a weird lot and this is manifested most evidently in their love of anime, pornography, and video games. In the past, many Japanese video games have not made the jump to the states because Japanese executives deemed that U.S. audiences just weren't ready for such sophistication. Translation: this game is too weird and won't sell any copies in the states.

I must digress here and say that there are notable exceptions to the above. Final Fantasy VI was translated into the states as Final Fantasy III. The translation adulterated the core of the game but, nevertheless, Final Fantasy III US was still a great game. This is a testament to the designers at Squaresoft. Part of blame for the mangled translation was due to Nintendo USA and they have paid dearly for it. Most notably, by the fact that Final Fantasy VII went on to sell more Play Stations than Howard & Nester could ever have fathomed. The original Japanese Final Fantasy VI dealt with issues such as abortion, suicide, death, and loss — things that Nintendo USA did not want to touch. So all of these important and prevalent themes were axed from the English translation. A sad chapter in the translation of games but Squaresoft has moved on and now controls all of their translations. Too bad that games like Final Fantasy X-2 (while fun, I'll give you that) go nowhere near the poignancy and depth that Final Fantasy VI dared to venture towards. Anyway, these are remnants of thoughts for another article on video games. This article is on Princess Maker 2.

Now, I am not a historian. However, I did take a nifty class called The History of Western Civilization where I was taught that trivial observations are more than meets the eye. As one must ask why weapons, then loaves of bread, and finally shoes were banned at certain medieval meetings, so we must ask: Princess Maker 2? That's right. The concept of the Princess Maker game was so popular that it spawned a sequel. That means, enough people must have bought the original game and demand must have been high enough to justify a sequel. For the curious, there are now innumerable variations of Princess Maker games. The core series is up to 3 with many "spinoffs" for various systems. Anyway, on to the review!

The Story
Yes, there is actually a story to Princess Maker 2. In case it's not obvious by now, the point of Princess Maker 2 is to make a princess. Let us go back to the days of kindergarten and the magical circle or carpet or whatever the fuck it was. It's story time, kids!

Once, long ago, in a kingdom far far away the people lived in debauchery and sloth. (No, I am not making this up.) Coquettes lined the streets to perform a fuck and a suck for a buck. Okay, so I made that part up. What's important is that the Lord grew angry at the people and naturally did what any Lord would do — he sent the Demon King to kill everyone. Since the King's army had been more concerned with hedonism then
fighting and preparing for battle, they were thoroughly thrashed. That's when you (well, me in this case since I'm the one playing the game and reviewing it) come in! Let's zoom in on the action!

Who says that being a wandering swordsman doesn't have its benefits? Sometimes while you're walking around you roll on into the Demon King! Now prepare for battle!

Wait? That's it! I won? I mean, huzzah! And don't come back!

Does that mean Pat Robertson is dead?

I must be forged in the tradition of reticent heroes. That or I was eating a bagel at the time. Yum ... bagel.

Must be a busy guy with all the worlds he has to take over and all. It was a nice chat, though.

Damn straight.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What you did was opprobrious. Now you can make up for it by giving me a big fat reward. I have a proclivity towards gold bars and diamonds.

I believe that this has been well established. Now, about that reward ...

Well, okay. But I'm charging you overtime for any help I provide above the reward for getting rid of the Demon Lord. I'd better start an invoice here.

That's it? That's the reward? A salary from the king? No gold? No diamonds? No jewels? Why do I feel there's a big CHUMP stapled to my forehead?

Ah, the heavens have seen my good deeds. I'm bound to get something good now. I might have to build a castle to store my swag ...

Yep. That's my name. Don't overuse it.

This better not be like that voice in Field of Dreams. I don't want to have to build a stupid baseball park or anything like that.

I hope they're not hurling my treasure from the heavens. Haven't they heard of the dinosaurs? I can't spend treasure if everyone is dead.

Maybe it's a magical jewel? Wonder how much I can get for it in a trade-in?

You have got to be fucking with me.

I thought Hades was the Lord of Hell. What's he doing in the illegal baby trade? Isn't that Craig's department? At least I got to name the kid. Why GeorgesBrassens? Because it would be hilarious if someone went up to your daughter and asked, "What's your name, little girl?" and she replied, "My name's Georges Brassens!"

And how does this concern me exactly?

I'm not liking the way this is going. It seems to me an awful lot like the responsibilities of fatherhood without any of the sex.

On second thought, a reward really is unnecessary. I was just happy to help.

Can't I exchange her for a nice horse & carriage?

Just what I need. A God watching me 24/7. Why does this seem like it's less of a reward and more of a jack?

And so a year passed as the incredulous Phooeyhoo was suddenly thrust into the responsibilities of paternity without any of the sex. Like Amy of Futurama, the only waves he would be surfing would be waves of responsibility. Until one day ...

The Gameplay
Gameplay consists of Hades's instructions. Whatever actions you choose for your daughter will determine her future. And the replayability here is enormous. Depending on your actions, your daughter can end up in one of a dozen careers including housewife, Queen, magician hero, whore, or even the Queen of Darkness.

Playing the game consists of balancing your daughter's schedule with your money and her fatigue. You get to decide which classes she takes, which jobs she pursues and, generally, what she does with her life. These decisions, in turn, effect statistics that will ultimately determines her lot in life. Seems simple enough, huh? Well, it's not. Dave and I thought we were doing the right thing. We needed to make money to send her to classes. So we sent her off to do the most lucrative job possible at age 11: lumberjack. But this just turned her into a 12 year old monstrosity. During a chat with our kid during this awkward time of her life she said, "I don't feel comfortable with all the other girls. I'm just so big!" This led to the selling of her morals which led to more bad stuff until, I think, she ended up as a disgruntled poet or something who hated our guts. Stupid bitch. After all those magic classes we had her take she still held selling her morals against us.

Adding to the replay value of the game, depending on the career choice that you set out for your daughter, there are many "mini-games". For example, there is the September Fair where your daughter will compete and may gain a rival who will shadow her for the rest of her days. If you choose an adventuring career (either as a magician or warrior) then you can go on little RPG adventures that will remind you of Dragon Quest and Final Fantasy where you wander around the countryside slaying monsters and stuff. Except, since this is a true Japanese game, you may end up getting raped by bandits or turning into the Demon Lord. Just fun filled family fare like that.

And did I mention that your daughter is kind of a whiny little brat as well? Exert too little control and she'll do whatever the hell she pleases and be smug as hell. Exert too much control and she'll run away from home. All potential parents should have to play this game as a prerequisite for parenthood. Your efficacy depends on the past skill sets you have developed for your daughter along with what skills you're currently weaning her towards. You can't just expect to make her a warrior hero and then have her work at an inn. It's all about striking a fine balance.

And along the way, you'll be visited by Gods and demons and fortune tellers. Yes, as alluded above, you may even have the chance to sell your daughter's morals! (Hell, yes!) This is not recommended unless you want her to hate your guts.

The Characters
Some of the characters that inhabit the world of Princess Maker 2 are too hilarious to pass up. Here are some of the more memorable ones.

Bartholomew the Elder Phooeyhoo.com's Chief Etiquette Officer makes a cameo in Princess Maker 2 as the instructor of etiquette. He'll teach your daughter proper decorum and the ways of propriety as well as being so recondite that no one will understand what the fuck she's saying. You'll need his help or else when she visits the royal court she's bound to commit some heinous faux pas such as saying, "Hi, Knight!" to the knight or worst, "Hi, King!" to the king. You can bet that these high brow pedants aren't going to stick around very long to have tea with that type of primitive peasant.

Arch Bishop The arch bishop of the land who you can talk to if your etiquette and faith are high enough. But, should you not have enough etiquette this is what you'll see:

Not the way to make a very good impression, if you ask me.

Royal Concubine If you thought tact was necessary to talk to the Arch Bishop, you better believe it's doubly important here.

The King He's the bastard that screws your character over with nothing but a measly low wage job after you rescued the kingdom. Not even a cushy little sinecure. Sigh. But if your daughter wants to climb up to political greatness, she's going to have to rub elbows with the top.

The Prince He only shows up on January 31st but if your daughter can get in bed with him .... the sky is the limit. Otherwise, the limit is the sky.

Cube He's the butler that helps with all of the chores at home. Not sure if he was part of your prize or if you're actually paying him on the side. He'll occasionally say annoying things such as, "You should buy your daughter a winter coat," and other obvious crap. Playing around with the cheat file reveals that under the right set of conditions, gulp, your daughter can actually marry him. Better pick your suitors carefully.

The Nun This God fearing woman works at the church and teaches theology. Working for her is hilarious:

Don't drop those plates, girl. Her teachings increases faith and her classes increase magical defense, but drops intelligence. Go figure.

The Lumber Jack Our daughter spent way too much time with him. She had a strength of well over 50 when she was 12.

Sam If you want your daughter to walk the path of Britney or Christina, you'll need to contact Sam when she's of the legal age. At the sleazy bar she'll learn everything but how to sing. (That's a job for the cabaret.)

The Endings
Here are only a few of the possible endings in Princess Maker 2.

Queen If you max out most of her stats and have a great reputation, your daughter will ascend to the throne. Good job!

Writer This is what my daughter ended up being. And a disgruntled one at that. I figure that if I hadn't sold her morals, she might have ended up as a regular old lumberjack.

Lumberjack What she would have been had I not sold her morals.

Concubine Just think. Only one point in charisma decides whether your daughter will be the concubine or the queen. Now that's harsh.

Divorcee Not sure what you have to do to make your daughter a divorcee but it can happen.

Ph.D. Eight years of grad school will turn your daughter into a Professor and Ph.D. I can only hope the same will be said of me.

M.S. If she lacks the dedication and can't finish that dissertation then she's ABD and it's nothing more than a masters degree for her. I hope the same won't be said of me.

Housewife If your daughter becomes this then it's a sad commentary on her life.

Grave Keeper Hey, somebody has to do it.

Wench Well, at least the tips are good.

Cabaret Dancer Doesn't she look a bit like Bjork?

Bondage Queen Although only a difference of one word, being the Queen and being a Bondage Queen are two different vocations entirely.

Queen of Darkness Whoa, you really screwed up this time!

Graphics and Sound
This game was made back in 1994 and it shows. But, honestly, it takes us back to bygone eras when fancy 3D graphics weren't needed. The graphics and sound provide the perfect ambiance for such a game. The animations are hilarious (try making her do a job for which she is not qualified) and are perfect. The instructors are hilarious. Simply by waving a sword or tapping at a podium, they manage to instruct your daughter. Even the RPG portion of the game is well done for the time period.

The Verdict
Strange Gods giving you baby girls, guiding your daughter through life, ending up as a bondage queen? What other game lets you do this?

Final Grade: A+

Coming soon: You too will be able to play Princess Maker 2! As soon as the file finishes uploading, you'll be in Princess Maker heaven!

No Marriage For You!

Benton County in my native Oregon has decided to suspend the granting of all marriage licenses. (Oregonian article here.) I'm not going to comment on the legality of this or the morality of it or any of that happy horse shit. Flog™ can do that when he comes back from vacation. All I'll offer up is this pithy analysis: hilarious!

Kudos to my good friend Vijay for predicting this after reading Article I, Section 20 of the Oregon Constitution:

Art. I Sec. 20. Equality of privileges and immunities of citizens. No law shall be passed granting to any citizen or class of citizens privileges, or immunities, which, upon the same terms, shall not equally belong to all citizens.

Teenage Sports Smackdown

The LeBron James phenomenon has created a troubling side effect. Every teenage star who has scored a point, hit a ball, tied some yarn together, etc. is suddenly proclaiming themselves at the top of their sports.

First case. Have you ever heard of a kid named Ivan Chiriaev? Neither have I. But, ostensibly, Mr. Chiriaev that thinks you should know who he is. In fact, he thinks the entire NBA should know who he is.

The NBA wants Ivan Chiriaev ... The NBA needs Ivan Chiriaev.

Wow. Now that's some confidence. So this kid must be putting up a quadruple double nightly, right? Well, if by a quadruple double you mean he's averaging 16 points a game. The NBA needs a kid who can average 16 points a game? Well, not so fast. He's 7-1 and he claims that he can play the point. That changes everything. Ivan will go up against the world at the World Summit. Says Chiriaev, "America and the world will get to see me play." Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize how privileged I was. Though, honestly, I think I'll skip out on watching the World Summit again this year. You might say I wouldn't miss missing it.

Case study two is a bit more hilarious because she's got all the ego of Chiriaev but mixes it up with some old fashioned trash talk. And hey, women's tennis could really use some more cat fights, if you ask me. With Martina Hingis gone, there's been nobody to really instigate things in there. Say what you will about Martina, but her feuds with the Williams's were legendary. She couldn't serve worth a damn. But she talked some nice trash. I don't know. Justine Henine-Hardenne just doesn't do it for me. Besides having a stupid additional name that isn't necessary, she doesn't talk the talk enough. Yeah, she's somewhat passive aggressive during matches. She'll call a timeout at the last possible moment. She'll skip out of key tournaments because she doesn't want to play Serena but she doesn't bring enough of a bitchy attitude to the court.

Well, I'm not sure if Sesil Karatancheva can play worth a damn, but her trash talking is on its way to becoming legendary. And she's only 14. (Okay, these long names are starting to bug me so for the rest of this I'm just going to use abbreviations.) So here are a few juicy bits of commentary that ol' SK has bestowed upon us before her match against Maria Sharpova (who I believe is only 15 herself) in the third round. Yes, she needs to get rid of the number one hated word in all the world (= like) but that's for another post.

SK on wearing a "California Knock-Out" T-shirt
You know what, I bought it because I liked the word "knock-out". You just go there, knock them out of the ring, okay? Just knock them out of the ring. That's why I bought it.

On her previous encounter with Sharapova
I was actually supposed to play in Bollettieri Tennis Academy. I was so prepared. I mean, it was unbelievable. I was just, "Come on the court, you'll see what happen." Then I was, you know, talking to people. You know, I was really into the match. I was like, "You know, I'm going to get there and play my best tennis, I'm going to do everything I can." The day when we were supposed to play, two hours before the match, my agent comes and he goes, "She called it off." I'm like, "Why did she call the match off?" "Because you said you going to kick her ass off." I'm like, you know what, it's my business who I'm telling I'm going to kick his ass off or not. If I said it, I meant it, and I'm not sorry about it. If she's too scared to come on the court, her problem - her problem. I was like, "Whatever. I'm going to get you. Even then I said, "I'm going to meet you soon." It comes right next to me, right here. She can't call it off this time, that's for sure (laughter).

On Sharapova's supposed fear
You know, I really do not know. But I don't think that a player from her rank can call a match off only because somebody said it's going to kick her ass off. If she had the guts, she's going to come kick my ass off and leave.

On whether or not she's going to kick Sharapova's ass
You know what, I say I'm going to play my best tennis. Normally when I do that, I beat people that are very good. You know, I believe in my game. I believe that my game is something I worked on a lot. I think that if I play it and if I concentrate a hundred percent on something, I can do something unbelievable tomorrow. I mean, that's the way I think. Yes, I do think I can kick her ass off. Yes, I do think that. I'm saying that, I can kick her ass off.

On the result of the tournament
I think I will bring home trophy.

On Bulgarians
Our culture is a very special one. People do not want you to succeed. People want to screw you over. People do not want — if a parent — if a parent has a player, for example, back home, a father like my father, for example, like there's a lot of parents that have daughters, sons, when they see somebody succeeding instead of theirs, they're not, "She's from Bulgaria, come on, let's go, she can make it." They're, "I hope she brokes her knee so she doesn't make it." For example, my Federation never did anything for me. They even destroyed a lot of my junior tournaments. I'll go in a tournament, I'll go all the way to Italy, play a tournament, then I won't be in it. My Federation wouldn't even like sign me in it. So, you know, it's nothing that I really expect. I like my country because I'm born in it. But, you know, I go there only because my family is there and because it's just still my country. But the people are not nice.

Sadly, SK got her ass beat by Sharapova but it didn't daunt her, nor should it. "I tried to come back, I really did," said Karatancheva. "I really tried to come back. I saved three match points. But you know, at the end I just got tired. She played better; she won the match. All I can say is 'congratulations to her'." That's our girl.

On a side note, the WTA has it all wrong. People don't want to see players advertising products or giving more interviews. They don't care about the players' "commitment to the game". No, it's all about the girl on girl cat fighting. So get out there and promote some rivalries WTA. Nobody cares about selling the sport. How do you sell a sport anyway? On Ebay? Now up for auction is the sport of tennis. We'll start at $0.99 with an unknown reserve and a Buy-It-Now Price of $5.6 million dollars. Buyer pays for all shipping charges. Hmm, this article seems to have strayed a bit off topic. I'll conclude by saying that the moral of the story is that I had an onion in my belt, which was the style at the time.

100th Comment

Blog gets credit for comment number 100 on this web log. A rather sad commentary on his life. (Sorry, Wilderness, you were number 99.)

While I think of a half-assed prize, you can watch this stupid flash movie.

Geek Porn

Click on the smaller image for the bigger image where you can read the text that will make you groan.

What Are These People Smoking?

If this is to be believed, some idiots are actually contemplating launching a zeppelin (yes, a zeppelin — like in Warcraft II & III) over Europe to provide wi-fi Internet service. They even have a website. Am I the only one who smells a big waste of money here? Evidently not, as Dvorak opines:

Geosynchronous satellites are wiggling around in orbit on a daily basis, and most have to be rocketed back into position at least once every couple of weeks. They are kept up there only as long as the fuel lasts and are eventually abandoned to float aimlessly through space or burn up on reentry.

Can you imagine positioning a gas-filled bag at 65,000 feet? And what happens when the fuel runs out? Do these things float around or crash into the countryside, killing cows? The parties involved in this folly would do well to remember Dvorak's Law Number 103: If something seems like a silly idea, it usually is. Count von Zeppelin must be rolling over in his grave.

That Andro Thing

Bud "The Commissioner" Selig said this week to ESPN, "I don't think at this point I will do anything relative to Mark McGwire's records unless some day there's a lot more relevant knowledge." What the fuck?

Let's get our facts straight about this, shall we? McGwire was using the supplement called andro during his 70 home run season. Andro is a legal over-the-counter drug that anyone can pick up at their local Gold's Gym. It was then, it is now. He wasn't discreet about it, nor should he have been. A reporter saw the bottle in his locker and asked him about it. He stopped taking it after 1998 because of negative fan reaction but never apologized for it. Of course he shouldn't have apologized for it. Everything he did was 100% legit. So why the hell are we talking as if the case is still open on this? Even if andro is declared illegal in the future, you cannot rewrite the history books and say that he took an illegal substance.

It's not like his personal trainer had just been accused of harboring THG and delivering it to athletes. That's another story that I won't get into right now.

Long Life Impermanence

That noisome odor of impermanence that I felt a few months ago wasn't just my imagination. As I plan my own departure from Chicago, other friends and family members are moving, changing apartments, changing life paths. (I feel that Chicago and I have a lot of catching up to do. Maybe we should plan a sexy last couple of months together. An Alfred Brendel concert, some movie watching at Grant Park, more runs down the lake ...)

But it's funny how something that I cringed at just a few weeks ago is now a source of strength. Impermanence is a good thing. It keeps life moving. It keeps the universe moving. Hesse's Siddhartha reached deep into the truth of impermanence when he encountered his river for the second time:

But today he only saw one of the river's secrets, one that gripped his soul. He saw that the water continually flowed and flowed and yet it was always there; it was always the same and yet every moment it was new. Who could understand, conceive this? He did not understand it; he was only aware of a dim suspicion, a faint memory, divine voices.

So is time like this river. It is always there but it is always different with each moment. I think I understand now what Chao Chou meant when he implored his students to avoid even the present. Some Buddhists, "life coaches" (Lord British, what a deplorable world we live in when we need life coaches!), and new age experts advise us to live in the present. There's even a poem I read once with a pun on "present". I'll leave it to the reader (as a proof?) to guess what it is. But even this "life in the present" advice is wrong, as Chou suggests. If you live in the present you are destroying it because there is no present. The moment you reach out to grasp it, it's gone. Living each day moment by moment isn't good enough. It is like S-Omega (the minimal uncountable well-ordered set). When you try to reach it, try to grasp it, you are further away from it then you are. You will never reach it. You must live life through the river and catch it in its flowing. If you scoop the water out then you have destroyed life itself.

So perhaps the real gift in life is impermanence. On that note I wish everyone long life impermanence!

Office 2003: Who Thought This Was a Good Idea?

As network administrator for a small sized Foundation, I get some perks. Not as great as some of the perks that Blog gets, but good enough. Over the years I have gotten annoying mailings from CDW (including a cardboard laptop — tell me how I'm suppose to use that), a couple DVD-Rs, and tons of demo CDs that I have never installed. Then, a month ago, I got this:

With our compliments. In the coming weeks, full versions of Microsoft® Office Professional Edition 2003 and Microsoft® Office OneNote™ 2003 will be mailed to your attention, without obligation.

Our hope is simply that, as an important customer, your first experience with a part of the new Microsoft Office System will be a great one.

My reason for existence had been revealed to me. Not only was I a Microsoft customer. No, siree Bob. I was an important customer. Important enough to receive full versions of Office 2003. My ship had finally come in. Little did Microsoft know that by sending me this free version of Office 2003 they were only stoking the fires for a web log rant.

So I received the CDs last week and decided to take the plunge. How bad could the new Office be? In the past, I have belabored the fact that every new installation of Office is simply a more bloated version of Word 6.0, Excel 4.0, and Access 2.0. Not sure what Office was called back then, all I know is there wasn't a year involved in the name, thank god. What new bloated versions did this one have to offer me?

The installation actually went without a hitch. Everything installed neatly and nicely. And then I realized that something had gone completely awry. I'm usually attentive when installing software and usually read the fine print and all that happy horse shit. But I must have been in la la land for this installation and not noticed that this was hardly an upgrade. Installing Office 2003 entailed nothing less then an un-installation of everything Office 2002 from my computer and a complete install of Office 2003.

Well, how bad could it be? I was too busy being annoyed by the ugly icons. Maybe I'll get used to them. I hated the icons for Office 2000 at first, but they grew on me. Maybe in time, these semi-three-dimensional abominations will grow on me as well. Okay, so far so good. I decided to launch Microsoft Outlook, i.e. the e-mail browser that will destroy the world. I'm still surprised that some two-bit hacker hasn't exploited the Outlook preview pane to put some malicious worm on every computer in the world. Oh, well. It's only a matter of time.

The second after launching Outlook I was, of course, inundated by screen after screen telling me that I had to register now! The Microsoft required product activation is only another sign that we're allowing software companies to fuck with us whenever they want. With the way activation and licensing is going now, we'll probably be paying to rent software within a couple of years. Already Adobe, Intuit, and other companies are beginning to implement required product activation. I knew I was being a traitor to my cause. But this was free software. I would never actually buy a product that required activation. I was still a good person, wasn't I? Sigh. I clicked on activate and watched my soul slowly begin the decent towards hell straight as an arrow.

As all of my personal information was being transferred to the mother ship, another annoying icon popped up in my system tray. It was the soon to be ubiquitous new Office logo:

Wonderful. But what was this? A message popped up above the icon informing me that I had the opportunity to let Microsoft scan everything I was doing with Office so that it could make its products better!! By engaging a wonderful new feature, I could be bombarded by surveys about my Office usage anytime that I wanted? Oh, boy! Let me pause here with some reality by asking the thought that provoked this article: Who thought this was a good idea? Thankfully, I couldn't find out how to shut the damn thing off. I tried right clicking. I tried ALT-F4. Finally, I realized the only way to get the damn icon out of there was to actually accept their offer and then deny it. Whew, thanks guys!

Besides looking a bit prettier, and rearranging some menus, Outlook looked no less different than Outlook 97. The e-mail message pane has changed, and now divides messages by Today's Messages, Yesterday's Messages, the Day Before Yesterday's Messages, Last Week's Messages, Last Month's Messages, etc. Some people might find that useful. I still think that looking at the date sent column is all I need to do, but hey, whatever floats your boat right?

Okay, new e-mail coming in. Cool. A web comic from Dave. Okay. I go to open it up in Photo Editor and . . . it's gone. Nowhere. Caput. The only half assed light-footprint program Microsoft ever wrote is gone. I guess the Gods at Microsoft have deemed that that program was not good enough so instead of letting me decide one way or another, they decided for me! Great. I feel more in control already. I guess I'm just going to have to endure the 30 second load up time for Photoshop every time I want to view an image. That's okay. And don't start telling me about Microsoft Photo and Fax previewer. It sucks. I'm not using it. End of story.

Okay, what's next? Ooh, somebody sent me a Word attachment. Let's see what it says. Open it up and . . . Microsoft Word has defaulted to reading preview mode. Wait, I didn't ask for you to do that. I just want you to open up the damn document in a Microsoft Word window. There's got to be a way to change the default, isn't there? Damn, you! Damn, you! Okay, this is okay. If I want to edit a Word document that was e-mailed to me all I have to do is do a save-as and then save it to the desktop and handle it from there. I can handle doing a couple of extra steps. I'm not that much of a dotard yet. But still, please to be explaining why it's more difficult then in older version of Office? Please?

Okay, enough ranting for now but as I continue to use this thing, I may not be able to help myself. To end this post, I'm going to say that these big ugly icons are really starting to annoy me. They may be nice for the nutty Mac users, but just give me a simple icon in 16-colors that tells me the job and be done with it, okay? I don't need a 24-bit true color icon that expresses the soul of printing. I just want to print the damn document! Okay, that's it for now.

The Alchemist

This is lovely:

"Because it's not love to be static like the desert, nor is it love to roam the world like the wind. And it's not love to see everything from a distance, like you do. Love is the force that transforms and improves the Soul of the World. When I first reached through to it, I thought the Soul of the World was perfect. But later, I could see that it was like other aspects of creation, and had its own passions and wars. It is we who nourish the Soul of the World, and the world we live in will be either better or worse, depending on whether we become better or worse. And that's where the power of love comes in. Because when we love, we always strive to become better than we are."

Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

Housekeeping & Other Stuff

FLOG™'s new look has inspired me to change a few things on this web log so don't be surprised if there's a new look everyday for the next few days. Speaking of which, it looks like Ed Magillicutty has converted Flog to the Dark side that is phooeyhoo.com. Come! Join us! Join us and together we will unite and defeat the Dark Lord Sauron!

Some links have been moved and added to the left navigation pane. I highly recommend the E-Rocky-Confidential web log. I've also included links to some past teaching web sites. If you're taking a course in Calculus, you might want to check out my handouts for Math 132 and 133, especially the Integration Cookbook Methods. That might be something to put in Whisking with Chlamydia, come to think of it.

Flog's joining has made me realize that phooeyhoo.com will be on hiatus sometime this summer when we pack our bags and leave for destinations unknown. This web log will probably shut down for that time and maybe all time if we can't find an accommodating ISP. Don't worry, we'll let you know when that happens! (Does alternating between "I" and "we" in the previous paragraph make me officially insane? Maybe I'm turning into Bob Dole.)

A previous post warned that the tone of this web log might be changing. Yet posts since then have been either perfunctory or really insane. What happened? Are you out of the woods yet? Was that just a fluke post? Sadly, no. I've gotten out of the mood of that post but observations were written and they will be posted when time allows. For now, just be grateful that I have to get back to work.

It's The Iron Sheik!

Sho of Wazeth fame has come through again. After much assiduous research he has discovered that our masked Arab is none other than The Iron Sheik! Okay, I don't watch much pro wrestling (and by not much I mean none at all) and cannot give you the whole story but here's a picture that I found on the internet!

On any other normal site, we would present the winner with a tee-shirt, mug, or other piece of useless paraphernalia. But we're trying to save money for grad school here so instead here's something completely different.

Way back in January of 2000 the fates dealt Phooeyhoo a blow by destroying his 4 GB Maxtor Hard Drive. On it were all the files that he had collected, written, stolen, etc. over the years. Although some of the data was salvaged, most of it was worthless because Phooeyhoo couldn't remember the damn passwords to most of his files (which were conveniently destroyed in the crash). Well, evidently Microsoft's password protection in the days of Office 97 was about as good as a hole in the head. Thanks to a couple of devious decryption programs, those passwords have recently been cracked and, suddenly, Phooeyhoo was living in nostalgia heaven. After realizing that his writing used to be crap (and some may argue still is), Phooeyhoo discovered the lost files of The Kerrian, a publication that some readers of this web log may be familiar with.

So to prove that the files have indeed been recovered, and as a partial reward for Sho's efforts, bask in the glory of this. See if you can guess who wrote it. Hint: It ain't who the article is credited to. Okay, it's just one page. But converting this stuff takes time, kids.

Help! Who is This Man?

With help from Blog and Wazeth, we have discovered that the mysterious kilted wrestler is none other than Rowdy Roddy Piper. (See comments from previous post.) However, we are still baffled by the Evil Arab Saddam Hussein character. So I pose this question to all five of my readers: who is this man?

Spiffy Thing Number Two

So what does happen when you mix a bunch of kids with an 80s pop queen? You get the music video for The Goonies, the most insane music video perhaps ever set to the television screen. This music video is so insane that it is in two parts. Now that's insane! My only question is: why isn't this thing on non-stop repeat in your house?

Since I don't have the technology to turn my DVD into a video file for you, I bring you the next best thing. Phooeyhoo's video essay of Goonies are Good Enough. Oh, you'll want to download this to get you pumped up and in the mood. Hell, you might as well have it going as you read this! Oh, and if you haven't looked at it already, Blog's Goonie's Site is required reading.

We begin our auspicious music video with Cyndi crossing the street. She has boxes in her hand. What's going on we wonder?

We move to a scene inside the gas station that we saw Cyndi going into. Who's this? Why, it's Lou Albano of the Super Mario Brothers Super Show fame. Although, I think Goonies was before SMBSS. Go figure. Anyway, he's having an intense chat with a painting of pirate or something. Riiiiiiiiight.

*SPOILER WARNING!*In case anybody's wondering, the picture knows where the treasure is.*END SPOILER WARNING!*

Cyndi's gas station hasn't had business in ages, so when a limo drives up everybody runs out happy. Sadly, happiness would not stay long as the customers turn out to be a guy in a kilt, an old man, and, excuse me, is that Saddam Hussein stage left? Anyway, it's not important because Arab guy says, "Is my property now!" Gasp! What to do?

A skirmish ensues, but Cyndi and family cannot beat the triumvirate and are forced to move. Woe is them!

Then, for absolutely no reason whatsoever, a man passes by on a wagon milking a porcelain cow. I love this video!

The music video now starts in earnest. The music starts up to pump up the audience. (And, yes, that is the same theme as in the Nintendo game!) Cyndi's family is shown being rudely given the shaft. Albano's smiley faced button is crushed and Cyndi's mom loses her vegetable cart. And, again for absolutely no discernable reason, a bunch of Benihana chefs arrive on the scene and start cutting shit up.

Lest I forget to mention it: best sign ever!

As Cyndi's family begins moving out, everybody starts lip-synching to Goonies are Good Enough. Who knew Benihana chefs were so talented?

Things don't look good. How do you know the bad guys are bad ass? When they beat up on small town America with a rolled up piece of paper. You know they're going to get their comeuppance. It's just a matter of time ...

Just when things look hopeless — Cyndi has the fortuitous luck of removing the pirate picture to reveal — oh, God, it's so exciting. Just look at the damn picture!

In the next scene, either Cyndi is scared at the singing skull or they've both just scene Margaret Thatcher naked.

And do you know what happened next? A miracle! It's the Goonies!

Introducing the Goonies gives the music video producers a good chance to show random clips from the film in random order that don't make a heap load of sense. Meanwhile, as we were watching the stupid clips, pirates have found and are chasing Cyndi! Where's that wench?

Which brings me to my next question. Did MTV have a devil's pact with Benihana or something? Because as she's being chased by pirates she wanders upon — the local Cave branch of Benihana's where she can grab a bite to eat before being captured. How nice! By the way, who's Cyndi Lopa?

Needing help, Cyndi prays to Steven Speilberg who is, sadly, a prick. Naturally she and the Goonies get captured.

On to Part Two! I suppose that back in the MTV days you actually had to wait a month or something to get the conclusion. Talk about a long month! Anyway, we don't have this problem as we pick up right where we left off. Cyndi's family is still under control and Cyndi and the Goonies are stuck aboard a pirate ship doing thankless chores. Hey, that's kind of like me at work!

The Dr. Jonnnnnnnnes! kid in chains?!? Bastards!

In another twist that only the music video directors (was there one?) can comprehend, we have a cut scene of the deleted octopus scene and then Cyndi herself is being strangled by an octopus. Someone please to be explaining?

Thankfully, Cyndi is as cool as a cucumber. "This machete will get me free!"

The machete maneuver has changed the tide of battle as two of Cyndi's team break free and the enemy falls for the ol' bucket over the head trick! You weren't expecting that, now were you?!? Huzzah!

Fade to more cut scenes of the movie and then back to Cyndi and gang running away with the treasure. But did anybody tell them that Christmas tinsel isn't worth very much?

Back on the surface world, the vagabonds refuse to be tempted by the Christmas tinsel. Time to teach those bastards a lesson they won't soon forget! 80's style!

Who could it be?

Wrestling legend Andre the Giant!

Andre proceeds to kick some arse!

And that, my friends, was the story of how Andre the Giant single handedly saved Cyndi Lauper's family from a bunch of really weird characters. Now, you say. Couldn't they have just summoned Andre to begin with instead of embarking on a silly hunt for treasure? Maybe. But would they have learned a valuable lesson about love and trusting one another? Oh, I think not. I think not.

The Blackmun Papers

The New York Times has a series of excellent articles on the release of the late Justice Harry A. Blackmun's files. Many may know Justice Blackmun as a staunch defender of Roe vs. Wade during his time on the bench.

Of particular interest is this Flash presentation of some of the more interesting documents including a memo from Justice Anthony M. Kennedy on the Planned Parenthood v. Casey decision and a letter from a death row inmate. Highly recommended.

Two other articles deal with Justice Blackmun's notes about his colleagues and a more general article.

More on Multnomah County — From Someone Else

I was going to write something about the previous post but I'm too busy. Thankfully for you, my aspiring lawyer friend has written something much better then I ever could have written. Here it is.

Multnomah County Follows San Francisco's Lead

Actual work at work has delayed posting of Spiffy Thing #2, but it will be posted tomorrow.

Meanwhile, amongst the news that John Kerry has won the Democratic primary comes this news item from Oregonlive.com. Seems like my old county is going to follow in the footsteps of San Francisco.

Could all of this be due to this aberrancy that Flog mentioned ages ago? I'm too tired to comment now. Maybe tomorrow. Most likely not. Must finish super spiffy thing ...