By MELISSA GARRIOTT
Staff Writer, Cooking in the Kerr

Phooeyhoo.com is pleased to announce the appointment of Bartholomew the Elder as Chief Etiquette Officer. Bartholomew the Elder comes to phooeyhoo.com with more than sixty years of experience as a Professor of Etiquette at the highly prestigious University of Sheboygan.

"Obviously, we are delighted to welcome Bartholomew the Elder to our staff," said Editor-In-Chief Ed Magillicutty. Magillicutty had worked with Bartholomew the Elder before when he was Professor of Near and Middle Eastern Studies at the University of Sheboygan. "Bartholomew the Elder brings along with him a plethora of knowledge and experience that will immediately ameliorate the phooeyhoo.com culture."

Bartholomew the Elder will continue his affiliation with the University of Sheboygan as Emeritus Professor of Etiquette. In addition, the University has announced that a chair will be named in his honor. Professor Joseph Jerquehoff will be the first person honored with the Bartholomew the Elder Distinguished Service Award. "It will be difficult to live up to his name," Professor Jerquehoff noted. "The lack of his presence here everyday will undoubtedly enervate the department, but I am relieved that he will at least be here on a part time basis. His spirit will always be part of this department!"

Bartholomew the Elder is legendary throughout the Etiquette community because of his unique lecturing style. We include the following analysis of "the technique" by award winning phooeyhoo.com writer Jay Hawkins.

An Analysis of the Lecturing Technique
of Bartholomew the Elder

Note the technique of Bartholomew the Elder ... for attention, he raises up his arms and, in one strong together motion, swings his arms down to the podium, where he strikes the podium ever so sternly with his hands. Twice he repeats this maneuver: TWICE!

And all the while, his commanding aura is so great that the room shudders at this great feat, for, as we both know, Bartholomew could lead the planes to etiquette lessons; and lest I forget to mention the most important portion of the lesson, I commence with it here: Bartholomew then raises his left index finger to the heavens, and with one frenzied burst of activity, wags it furiously — hoping to eradicate the primitive peasant within the pupil.